Planes, Trains, and Broken Plans
I’ve also loved this quote. Its ethos rings true to me. In my experience, traveling reveals other people’s needs, proclivities, and quirks with a transparency that few things can. Also, it’s a loaded quote - because traveling with Ernest Hemingway (the endless hard liquor! the non-existent bedtime! the many mistresses!), would put us all through our paces.
But I realized recently that I’ve always thought of traveling - or even simply getting together - too narrowly. When I was younger, I thought traveling began with the trip. Now, I know better. Traveling actually begins when you suggest plans, when other people contribute their own ideas, and when a dormant text thread suddenly becomes lively. Taking on the world with friends begins at home - with compromise.
A recent Wall Street Journal article highlighted the modern-day challenges of planning a trip with other people. But really, this piece showed exactly how connected we are in the digital age - and paradoxically, the depths of our struggle to maintain those in-person connections. I urge you to read it, but I’ll offer the Cliff’s Notes version here.
Six friends created a text thread to plan a girls’ trip. They would be celebrating five 50th birthdays. In the beginning, everyone simply wanted to reconnect. People cared less about where they went and more about being together. They didn’t care about the details - until they did. By the end of the year, the text thread had splintered to smaller threads. Texts were misunderstood. Feelings were hurt. The trip never happened. They’re currently trying again for their 51st birthday celebrations instead.
On a much smaller level, I can understand their frustration. Whenever I try to plan events with friends, I feel like I’m landing planes. Everyone throws out dates on the calendar, a clumsy joint effort to find one that sticks - but then there’s the risk that the perfect date will exclude someone. Emojis fly as we try to preemptively protect everyone’s feelings. Once we’ve acquired the elusive date and time, we have to find childcare - a bit like foraging for truffles. Personally, I then pivot immediately to another text thread, sprinkle more heart emojis, and begin begging the sitter.
The last time I attempted to book a reservation for a group dinner, I had to wait a while. I’d called the restaurant too far in advance. For two weeks, I felt like a plane circling an airport. I remember feeling irritated by my holding pattern- mainly, because I wanted to lock a date down so that I could begin to look forward to it. So, I can absolutely understand the ladies’ wish for a destination, not only for practical reasons but to give a dream vacation time to take shape in their minds.
Our longing for a firm plan makes sense. Studies have shown that embracing anticipation is good for our mental health. Looking forward to a positive experience releases dopamine, offering a kind of escape from everyday life long before the actual escape. Anticipation also acts as a buffer during stressful periods. Adding an exciting event to our calendar will, without question, benefit our mental health.
Unless, of course, the planning stage falls apart.
As I’ve pondered the article though, I wonder if the women weren’t given enough credit. They clearly value their friendships; they’ve sustained them for decades. They lived far apart with vibrant, busy lives - yet they were hopeful that they would have a chance to set their obligations aside for a time to reconnect. They missed each other. The trip didn’t work out, but they’re determined - right now - to try again. They refuse to give up on each other.
I think we discount how much our effort matters, how the flurry of texts and the internet searches and the scouring of our respective calendars are the laying of bricks. In the details, we’re building foundations. We’re letting our friends know they matter.
In early 2023, the U.S. surgeon general declared a loneliness epidemic. One in two adults reported experience loneliness at the time (with the highest numbers among the younger people) - a figure that probably hasn’t moved much since then. For our mental and physical health, we need connection. In a sort of mass prescription, the U.S. surgeon general advised us to prioritize connecting with people.
But we forget that planning for that connection is often a messy, frustrating endeavor - and an integral aspect of the connection itself. A reframe might help.
The text thread planning fiasco has echoes of Summer Triangle, where one character extended the offer of a beach vacation and her best friend immediately turned her down. She only accepted the vacation offer after her “real life” unexpectedly crumbled, after she felt like she had no other option. But in their initial exchange, in the suggestion and in the instant pass, they both realized how much they missed each other. However clumsy, their planning (or lack thereof) revealed their devotion.
So, maybe we should cut these ladies a break - and cut ourselves a break, too. Maybe we should acknowledge that we’re all doing the best we can. Our effort can help build our anticipation. Maybe our meetup will be that much sweeter for the logistical headaches that went into creating it.
I know I’m rooting hard for a stellar 51st birthday celebration for these ladies. What about you?
